Jokes? Who's Got Them?

[aka Kizza]

Complaints to Councils ... in the UK



Extracts from letters written to local councils:



1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.


3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.


4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.


5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.


6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?


7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.


8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.


9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.


10 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.


11 I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawer. ()


12 The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.


13 Will you please send a man to look at my water, it's a funny colour and not fit to drink.


14 Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.


15 I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.


16 The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.


17 Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.


18 I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.


19 Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.


20 I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.


21 This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.


22 My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.


23 He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

[thjunglelove]

I was visiting my nephew last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

''This is the 21st century" he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.''

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit him.....

[thjunglelove]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place."

"The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heartwarming lawyer story...did you?

[thjunglelove]

Teaching Someone Proper Cell Phone Etiquette

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in his seat and
closed his eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

The train was rolling out of the station when the guy sitting next
to him pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi, sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the
six thirty train and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that floozie from accounting - with the boss."

"No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure! Cross my heart, honest to God, no doubt about it,
blah, blah, blah" etc., etc."

Ten minutes later, the guy was still talking loudly, when the young
woman sitting across the aisle, and obviously angered by his continuous
diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't bother people by using his cell phone in public any more.

[thjunglelove]

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter
by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:
[pistol Beretta Jetfire]
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a
huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here
today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took.......the bear got
him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection.........

[thjunglelove]

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump Honey-Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the heck are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[aka Kizza]

that happened to someone I knew once in a bar in Thailand

[thjunglelove]

THE FATHER

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful, large chested blonde who
waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't
place where he knows her from. So he says "do you know me?".

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says...

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool
table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with a
belt soaked in urine and brine and then stuck a cattle prod up my ass until
I spasmed?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

[thjunglelove]

TURNER BROWN

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me."

"I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The little guy says, ”Turner Brown?! . . . Whew, Thank God! … I thought you said Turn around!”

[thjunglelove]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says,


"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember,
but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find
it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and
we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap.

It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says,
"You must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and
this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be
a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five
incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day,

"So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops!"

[thjunglelove]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his
shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager
to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I
ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on
a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the
valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like
new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and
whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[thjunglelove]

Growing Older
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."

[thjunglelove]

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."